Forty Whacks With A Wet Noodle

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
and gave her mother forty whacks,
and when he saw what she had done,
she gave her father forty-one.

So basically none of that is true whatsoever, but you know what they say: never let the truth get in the way of a good-old terrifying children's song about a violent parenticide! 

In this episode we tell the story of the homely and quite honestly FREELOADING Borden sisters, who may or may not have brutally murdered their DISGUSTINGLY RICH father and STEPmother. It's with good reason too because these two bitches just weren't bothered getting a) married, b) their own place, or c) A GODDAMN JOB. Did one of them do it alone? Were they in on it together? Did Sister Borden leave town, or did she just tell everyone she did as an alibi? And what are the chances that their moustache-twiddling, cloak-wearing, cane-stomping uncle would be in town that very weekend? It's all highly suspect - which is what makes this episode so fun!

We also discuss society's obsession with the wicked stepmother trope and you can probably guess why, which segues into discussions on sex and porn, somehow without mentioning any involving step-family narratives. I mean it was RIGHT THERE.

Special appearance by another bumbling police force, though in fairness this time they were just severely hindered by the limitations of science at the time, and their misogynistic opinions of women. 

Special disappearance by the "sea turtle having sex noise" we threaten to edit into the clip at 18:34 because we definitely did not do that. Just look it up on YouTube. 

Also featuring the introduction of our Simpsons Quote Jar, where we have to put money into a cup every time that we unauthorizedly use their property without their permission. This will lead to our homelessness, so I don't see this lasting beyond this episode.

What the fuck is a wet noodle?